I have a very numb feeling right now. I would like to say my emotions are everywhere but they aren’t. They’re at a standstill. This past weekend was filled with a lot of irritation and minor rage. Saturday was a day of feeling unimportant. Sunday was a day of feeling mislead, less than, and still- unimportant. Monday was a day of silence and waiting to see who would break first. Tuesday was a day of love, only because it was Valentine’s Day. But in my world, Tuesday was really a day of confusion. So many words said without any clarity to their meanings. Wednesday was the day of recognition. I recognized I’m not over the things I thought I was over. I’m not healed from the things I thought I healed from. I realized the only way to heal completely is to let go. Let go of what hurt me. Stop trying to keep it around. Let go of what isn’t helping me grow as a person. Let go of what is keeping my mind, spirit, and emotions uneasy. It’s not to say I haven’t tried because I have but words always pull me back in and the cycle starts all over. Then I am left a mess, like I am today; confused, hurt, empty, numb, careless, unattached, dark. My mood feels grey while I’m fighting to have my mood to feel like a bright sunny day with beautiful flowers blooming in distance with bees buzzing around them. I have lost the fight.
I want to wallow in my own emotions but that won’t help me get out of them. That will only allow them to set in even more than before. So what do I do? Continue to think happy thoughts, pray, make declarations to myself that I am and will always be enough, and enjoy the good things in life. Even though the pain weighs me down the love will always remain.