Webster dictionary defines freedom as, “the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved”. Ever felt imprisoned? Whether its by your own thoughts, fears or emotions? I have and I finally made the decision to let go of what was holding me captive and become free; it was a long journey. Took me about a year to finally become emotionally and mentally free.
I was trapped in a love that kept me from growing. I felt stagnant. I felt like he needed me. I felt like if I let him go he wouldn’t survive but then I realized, it was me who was dying the whole time. My love for him exceeded miles but now, my love for me exceeds the sky. I had to make the decision to put myself first after putting him first for years. I wanted to be his shoulder to lean on while he endured the tribulations of his life. I knew I was the one keeping him sane but he didn’t know that he was starting to drive me insane. His unhappiness that transferred to me being unhappy. All I wanted to do was see him smile so I continued to go the extra mile for him then slowly started to realize my smile began fading away.
The trips I took, the money I spent, the emotional support I gave is still to this day, priceless but I also needed something in return. I needed emotional support because I was carrying the weights of his life as well. Countless days of tears for him because I knew he wasn’t happy and he felt like giving up. Countless days of feeling sad and not wanting to do anything because I thought it would be selfish for me to have fun when he’s suffering on the inside. I never showed or told him that I was dealing with his woes as my own. I hated that when I got good news, he was first person I wanted to tell but I thought it would be selfish to rub my good news in his face when life just continued to knock him down.
During this time, I continued to tell myself to let him go but something in me wouldn’t release him from my heart. As the months went by I continued to feel unfulfilled. The feeling of depression and emptiness overwhelmed me. Visits became less frequent and less exciting. Then finally, I had to put myself first. I released my expectations for a future that I wanted with him that I know I wouldn’t receive. I chose happiness! I chose freedom! It’s feels so damn good!
I feel like I can conquer the world. I can move without having a feeling a guilt. The love never erased but the expectations dropped like shackles. The sound of those shackles hitting the concrete of freedom was music to my ears. Anything that feels like it’s weighing you down and keeping you from growing and moving forward, go through and feel every necessary emotion and then, release that weight.