Healing

Toxic relationship can lead to a lot of confusion, emotional instability, and a lot of hurt. As a woman I think we all deal with at least one toxic relationship in our lifetime; mostly in our early 20s. Women carry a mentality that each relationship that they are in should end happily ever after but there’s a flip side to that. The relationship may not end happily ever after but you always will. Relationships whether good or bad are educational. They teach you the good and bad about yourself and what you want and don’t want from a potential partner.

I was involved with a guy who I still love dearly but he hurt me terribly. I was cheated on time and time again then finally cheated on me in the worst way and I was embarrassed. He continued to try to stay in my life when all I wanted was for him to leave me alone. The months continued to go by and before I realized it he was cheating on his new girlfriend with me. Oh, the irony.

We had our moments of arguing and realized that our feelings for each other would never change and continued our sneaking around with moments of passion. I didn’t feel guilty at the time because it was done to me and I wanted her to feel the same pain that I felt. At the end of the day I was still on the losing end. I wasn’t getting what I wanted which was a relationship. I only got a small feeling of revenge while getting my womanly needs fulfilled. This eventually started to weigh on me. Never felt important enough so after a year I decided to pack up and move.

The move helped a little but not enough. I still had my expectations that weren’t being met and I had a problem with that. Not to mention the fact that my trust issue with the guy has continued to grow over the years. Once I moved away, he became single which made me start thinking “what if?” We continued as normal, whatever normal was for us at the time. Saw each other on the regular and then I started to realize I was giving way more than he was. When ever he wanted to see me I made a trip to see him but he never came to see me. When I did go to see him, out of town mind you, he would spend most of his time with his friends. This used to happen when we were together a long time ago and I didn’t like it then and it is continuing to happen 4 years later.

That’s when I realized what the real issue was. It wasn’t him, it was me! I’m the one with the unrealistic expectations, I’m the one who is still hurt and never healed from the initial time he cheated. I’ve had men approach me who were good guys and I didn’t give them the time of day because I was still hooked on a toxic relationship. In hindsight, if I would’ve healed properly the first time I would be in a better emotional state. However, since I am 4 years behind on my healing, I’m play catch-up at my own pace. I’ve acknowledged that I’m still broken and that I need to move forward. Pack up all of my hurt, brokenness, and old emotions into one big suitcase and dump it in a dunged and lock it away.

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